I’m slowly learning how to care for loved ones as they experience mental health challenges.
When my sister was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I decided to quit my part-time job so I could help with her second baby’s arrival. Looking back, I realize that, though I did help her, I was unaware of the severity of her mental health state.
Take initiative
Later my roommate struggled with depression. At this point I was more aware, and recognized her lack of well-being. But I didn’t necessarily know what to do. I noticed she had very little energy, she slept a lot more, and I continually heard her complain about not feeling like herself.
I felt concerned, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the conversation. Should I ask if she is depressed? Or should I wait until she brings it up?
I eventually found the courage to ask her, “How can I help you?” She shared that taking initiative felt especially difficult, so I took that to heart and tried to initiate conversations and times to hang out.
Ask specific questions
Several years later, another friend of mine gave birth to her first child. I noticed a few red flags that suggested she might be struggling: she was living in a new city, was having a hard time feeding the baby, wasn’t sleeping well, and she felt isolated––so many challenges at once. Even though she was on my mind a lot, I didn’t know what to do, so I turned to my sister for advice since she had gone through similar challenges.
She encouraged me to ask my friend some direct questions about her mental health. But that seemed challenging. I didn’t want to offend her.
Yet the more I thought and prayed, I felt that God was nudging me to ask her some hard questions. I knew that someone had to ask about her well-being, and I proceeded to call her, even while dreading the conversation.
I started with small talk before asking if I could ask her some personal questions regarding her mental health. She agreed, and I asked, “Do you have thoughts of harming your baby?” She said no.
“Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?” There was a pause, and she told me she was struggling to see the value in herself, wanting to end her life. I told her that I was so sorry she was struggling, and I can’t remember what else I said. There was silence. I knew then: this was serious, and her family needed immediate help.
Share the burden
I was thankful that she was willing to be honest with me. Because of the severity of her situation, I went ahead and let her husband know right away what was going on. I knew I had to involve others in her life and also point her to professional help. Even though I was a friend, I have natural limitations. Connecting her to a doctor and therapist was essential for her well-being.
I also asked what I could do to help their family. Her husband welcomed help, so friends from church brought them meals and made sure that someone was always around her so she was not alone.
Offer specific help
Helping friends through mental health crises can be challenging. I have found it is better to be specific when offering help:
Can I bring you a meal?
Can I ask my friends from church to make sure you have food for the week?
Can I help watch your baby or walk your dog so you can have a nap?
Would you like some resources that I found helpful?
Do you need my help to make some phone calls to healthcare providers?
If someone is willing to receive help, and I am able to offer it, I will gladly send help their way.
Pray, especially with others
Being there for a friend in a mental health crisis was one thing, but when my husband started to struggle with depression I found it challenging in different ways.
I still remember when my husband reached out to his mentor to tell him of the diagnosis. He and his wife immediately offered to come for a visit and see how we were doing. We were met with care, concern, and understanding. They prayed over us. I cried at the end of our time because I felt loved and cared for. Being able to lean on God and others has transformed our relationship.
Trust God
Learning to grapple with mental health has been a learning curve for me. There have been several difficult moments when friends didn’t want my help, or weren’t ready to hear me out, and that’s okay. I’m learning to ask for permission before I ask personal questions, instead of pushing my way through and hoping for the best.
Yet I also see God come through when it’s time for me to step back from helping others. I’m learning to trust God to do the work of healing.
There is still more to learn as I continue to lean into supporting others with their mental health journeys. I’m glad it’s God who journeys with me as I try to journey with others.
