I can remember the first time I discovered my calling.
I was in my high school film class, watching The Untouchables. At some point (my memory of the exact scene is hazy), I became aware that the shot I was looking at had required setup. People had decorated a set that had been built specifically to tell this story. And not only were there actors within the frame who had been styled to play a part, the fact that there was a frame at all meant that people existed beyond it and had made conscious decisions for how to make the movie that I was now watching.
It was like a revelation.
From that point on, though I had always been interested in stories, I completely pivoted into film analysis. It became my great passion. It was so impactful that, although I had been stockpiling history and language classes to pursue those as majors in university, I changed direction in my last semester and applied to a film studies program instead.
Looking back on it now, I can see that God was at work in that classroom, in my friendships with other art students, and in my teachers as I navigated that decision. He guided me into a new way of thinking that opened up my world.
Growing pains in my calling
But that initial excitement didn’t mean that I was confident in this new path. Film studies isn’t production—I wasn’t making movies. Instead, I was learning about how film intersects with culture, history, theory, and politics, and I was writing papers about these intersections. But every time I told people what I did, they would mistake my writing about film for screenwriting or journalism.
The whole process of defining and proving myself became exhausting. I eventually settled on saying, “It’s like a literature degree but instead of studying books, I’m studying movies.”
I was constantly questioned about what I’d do with my degree, what type of job I’d get, and what good it was to just analyze movies. And for the longest time, I didn’t have an answer. It was true; tangibly I couldn’t offer much. I couldn’t emerge from university and be a film critic the same way you could be a doctor or a teacher or an accountant, where the program equaled the profession.
This process got even more complicated when I went on to do a master’s degree and researched anime fandom, a huge passion of mine and a fascinating—although unfortunately stigmatized—topic. It combined not only the analysis I loved, but allowed me to look into how a common love of stories in community can create a culture of its own.
Once, when explaining that I was researching anime to my dentist, she said, with her hands in my mouth, “Isn’t that misogynistic?” Funny, but another bitter reminder that my desire for analysis wasn’t generally shared, and that I had to do extra work to explain myself.
Feeling abandoned in my calling
Over time, my calling in film analysis started to feel confusing. It was so niche that in most contexts, it didn’t feel possible to contribute to my communities with this gift and interest. I began to feel like God had only placed a hobby in my life and that I needed to uncover the “real” job I could do. Surely there was something out there for me that better suited a professional career.
After ten years of deeply investing in film analysis, I was starting to fade. Despite my best efforts, this skill seemed like a dead end. Once I graduated, I tried to keep things going on my own through my blog, but over time it became hard to keep investing in my passion with no clear idea of how I was supposed to use it. A lot of that had to do with depression and burnout from my job situation at the time; it was devastating to feel like I couldn’t return to my passion at the end of the work day.
When I started interning with P2C-Students, I found myself wrestling with my calling anew. As I grew closer to God, I struggled to figure out how on earth film criticism fit his will. At first I felt like this new direction of working in ministry was God’s way of politely asking me to put away film analysis forever and look for skills that were more acceptable for his kingdom.
But giving up my passion felt wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I felt that I just couldn’t give up what God had blessed me with. And at the same time, I couldn’t figure out how to justify this calling.
All of that changed this past fall.
A reaffirmed calling
On a trip to visit family in Australia, I heard God clearly speak to me about this love of criticism, of anime, of media—the first time I’d ever had that experience.
My husband’s family hosted a wedding celebration for us, and during the reception we gave our relatives a couples’ quiz about movies. Many of the get-to-know-us questions involved anime and pop culture because these were so central to our relationship. After the reception, I was surprised to see so many of my husband’s family come up to me to talk about anime. They were happy to know someone else who watched it, expressed sadness that other family members didn’t understand or like it, and clearly were willing to bond over it. As I talked with one of my cousins-in-law, I heard God say:
“THIS is how you can connect to people.”
I was stunned. I had never heard God’s voice before, and had never heard him affirm my interests. I had chalked up my continuing love of media to my studies, not to my Creator. Hearing God say that not only was this desire okay, it was also his design, made me reconsider everything. I immediately told my mother-in-law, and she reaffirmed what I had heard.
Until that moment, I hadn’t ever considered that God would be on “my side” when it came to my love of media analysis. I had grown so used to fighting for my calling and for people to take me seriously. So when God did intervene—when he stopped my doubting in its tracks and told me he’d placed this love of analysis in me for a reason—I had to dismantle a lot of the tortured artist branding I’d piled on myself for over ten years.
Walking in my calling
One of the ways I’ve been exploring this affirmation of my calling is through developing a media reflection guide. I want to help people dig deeper into shows, movies, books, podcasts, songs, artworks, or whatever else grabs their attention.
Why? Because God’s invitation to me is also one for you. What you watch, read, or listen to can be a way to nurture relationships with our neighbours and discover new ways of connecting with them.
Further, we navigate a world with a lot of media. Pretending that it’s not there and doesn’t affect you is foolish. When you reflect on media, it helps you know your own heart. If you have good or bad feelings after watching a movie, for example, why might that be?
As you take in the things around you, you are also given a way to understand yourself, others, and the world around you. And it’s an opportunity to partner with the Holy Spirit and wonder about where you might need to lean into God more.
Too often, people don’t take the time to understand what’s in front of them, and they miss out on a beautiful, redemptive way to appreciate art and grow as artists themselves. I don’t want you or anyone else to miss out!
Before I could start helping others, I not only needed my gifts, but I also needed God to give me a vision for why they matter.
What this will look like long term, I’m still not sure. What I am sure of though, is that if I lean into my calling and pursue God through it, he will bless the work of my hands, even if it takes me to places I never expected.
And I’m sure that you have a calling too. You may not yet know what it is or why it matters, but trust me: all good gifts come from God, even if they are nerdy and niche.
